We know that no matter what their age, divorce is stressful for kids.
The research tells us that it’s normal for all children to take up to two years to transition and adjust. The research also reminds that it’s not the divorce that damages children but the level of conflict that they experience before, during and after. Reducing conflict has many profound long-term benefits. (reference)
Photo by Юлія Дубина on Unsplash
We also know that kids who maintain a deep connection with both parents (when it’s safe to do so) fare much better. Children need to feel safe, connected, secure and heard. They need to feel that they’re still at the centre of the family and that the family lives on. Divorce ends a marriage, not a family.
It’s sometimes hard work but with care, insight, and a determination to keep the children and their needs at the centre, both parents can emerge from divorce with a deeper, more profound relationship with their children that sets them up for a happy and healthy future.
Here are 5 things that will help:
Look After Yourself
It’s hard (practically impossible) for us be a calm presence for our kids if we’re in emotional turmoil. Divorcing can be traumatic and you’re likely to feel overwhelmed with big feelings – sadness, anger, fear, guilt, denial, exhaustion.
Divorcing parents need help. You need empathetic, non-judgemental and understanding listeners to help you recognise, process, and manage these big emotions in a healthy way. It’s vital to surround yourself with positive influences whether its family, friends, a counsellor or coach, to help you find the emotional capacity to give your kids what they need. Kids don’t need a perfect you, they need a calm you who they can look to for consistency, support, love, and guidance.
Emotion Coaching Is KEY
Children will experience divorce in different ways depending on their age, stage of development, their unique temperament and their circumstances but children have one thing in common, they all need to be heard. Listening, understanding, validating, and giving voice to emotions helps kids process their journey and find healthy ways to cope.
Emotion Coaching is about being aware of their emotions, embracing these moments for intimacy and teaching, labelling feelings and listening more and talking less – always hard for parents.
“I can see that you hate having to get organised to have things in two places. You don’t like that. Am I right? “
“Sometimes emotions get all bottled up inside and come out as tears when you feel stress OR are triggered with sadness. It’s good it’s coming out. That’s also so tough, isn’t it?’
“I’m wondering if you’re thinking ‘why would they do this if they knew it would be hard for me?” It makes you feel angry. Could that be right?’
“It’s not ideal or healthy that we can’t talk to each other. Parents need to be able to talk to each other for your well-being. This is so tough, and I imagine hard to understand.’
“You feel that you should not have to be the go between us. I get that.”
“When you’re with Daddy, you miss Mummy. And when you’re with Mummy, especially when you are having a tough day, you miss Daddy. That is so hard.”
We want to be the safe space where all feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or painful, can be given a voice and shared. We don’t need to have all the answers, but feeling comforted, understood and acknowledging the emotion builds our connection and is the first step to moving forward towards finding solutions and healthy ways to cope.
Know That Each Child Will Grieve Differently.
The age, stage of development and the temperament of each child plays a huge part in how each child experiences divorce. Kids say that divorce, even for those ‘expecting it’, is a shock. The inevitable feelings of loss and grief will come out in very different ways and at different times. Following Kubler Ross’ 5 stages of grief, our kids may experience different stages of grief, and you may see:
Denial: “This can’t be happening. I’m so sad, but I’m sure they won’t be apart for long.”
Anger: “This is all your fault! How can you mess up my life like this! Maybe I did something to make it worse? I’m worried.”
Bargaining: ”I’m going to be good and hide my feelings and maybe they’ll decide to get back together.”
Sadness: “I feel so lonely and sad. I’m not sure anyone understands.”
Acceptance: “They’re not getting back together. I get that. I was sad, but I am getting used to it now – most of the time.”
Feelings come like waves. Helping kids, age appropriately, to be aware of the stages of grief lets them know that their feelings are real and valid. Should your child be stuck, and it seems her emotions are getting in the way of her normal life, then it may be appropriate to seek help. Being aware helps us comfort and support our children and explore healthy ways to cope.
Keep Working On The Connection
We know that the strength of the parent child relationship helps mitigate the impact of divorce, helps kids manage the change and builds resilience. Being an emotion coach builds connection as does the safety and security of feeling our presence in their lives.
It helps to put connection, with both co – parents, when safe to do so, at the front and centre of all you do. Kids want to feel connected to both parents and to their family and feel they belong. Divorce ends a marriage not a family.
Try as much as you can to set up two homes where real life takes place – fun, homework, discipline, family gathering, friends – normal real life.
When someone asks a child: ‘So tell me about your family? They might say “well I have a Mum and a Dad; they are divorced so I have two homes. I have a sister and our dog, Molly, who both live at my Dad’s and our cat Fred, who lives at my Mum’s.”
Consistency of relationship and connection and the story that we tell sends the vital message that the family has changed but has not ended.
Keep To The High Ground.
We are our children’s role model, their teacher, and their coach. They look to us to see how we manage, respond and cope. Divorce can be a painful, combative process and it’s all too easy for this to spill over into our relationship and our communication with our kids. We don’t ever want to say anything derogatory about their other parent. Children see themselves as part Mum and part Dad and putting down their other parent can feel as though we’re criticising them. It lowers our child’s self-esteem, at a time when it’s naturally more fragile, it impacts their respect for us and it’s good modelling.
Keeping to the high ground means that we only share what is appropriate with our kids. We communicate directly with our co- parent, or through a co-parenting app such as MyFamilyWizard and not through the kids. Ask yourself what your kids need to hear? We want to give our children the age-appropriate facts that enable them to make sense of their story, but they do not need to know all the detail and they are certainly not a shoulder to cry on or a place to vent.
Our kids don’t need perfection, they need a sometimes messy, real, thoughtful, attentive and loving presence during this time of transition and change.
For more help and advise please contact Heather at The Parenting Partnership.
